Kalahira Be Praised
by MosaicCreme
Summary: Shepard lies dying on the Citadel, after choosing the destroy option presented to her by The Intelligence, when the goddess of oceans and afterlife comes to her. Given the choice to allow Kalahira to carry her across the sea so she may be reunited with Thane or be left to find the embrace of her own God, Shepard chooses Thane. The journey across the sea won't be easy, though.
1. To Look Upon a Goddess

**To Look Upon a Goddess**

" **The beginnings and ends of shadow lie between the light and darkness and may be infinitely diminished and infinitely increased. Shadow is the means by which bodies display their form. The forms of bodies could not be understood in detail but for shadow." - Leonardo da Vinci**

Fire. Everything burned. She gasped, sucking in putrid air, reeking of death and decay. Coughing, her lungs spewed blood, choking her. Shepard tried to roll to her side, desperate to clear her airways, but the slightest movement sent fresh jolts of agony coursing through her body, consuming her brain in flames. Her screams echoed back to her in the stillness. Alone. Surrounded by death and dying. She was dying. Alone. Again.

The Citadel shook around her, and she saw as much as felt the electricity arcing over her skin where exposed implants short circuited inside of her. Shepard cried out again, coughing up more blood, hot and sticky to catch in her throat and sinuses. The Intelligence told her choosing the path of destruction might very well destroy her, too, but it never said it'd leave her alive just long enough to feel her organs shutting down while she drowned in her own blood.

Something moved in her peripherals, and she turned her head fighting back the wave of nausea sweeping over her. Vision blurred and jittery, she squinted trying to focus her eyes but saw nothing beyond the eerie red light flooding the Citadel and the mountains of bodies all around her; not even a keeper moved in the distance.

Shepard opened her mouth, trying to speak, to cry out for help, but only a gurgling croak left her lips. The Citadel shook again, creaking and groaning as if the whole thing might collapse around her. Her back arched, hot tears biting at her eyes. How long? How long would she have to suffer through this, Cerberus' implants still struggling to stabilize her even as they fizzled out? How long would she have to lay there, unable to draw a full breath, her ribs stabbing into her lungs, ripping through her muscles with every slight movement? How long until she could just die and be at peace?

Movement again, but she refused to look, certain there was nothing to see. There couldn't be. She was hallucinating, that was all; the agony so severe her mind played tricks on her. But then, there it was again and she had to look. She grit her teeth and turned her head, sucking in a desperate gasp of air when she saw the silhouette of someone standing, bathed in brilliant, bright, white light. Hope took root in the despair, blossoming into a sickly flower soaked in viscera when the figure started to move closer.

"He—" Her plea cut short, blood spewing from her mouth, wracking her body with a coughing fit.

The figure moved, taking slow, measured steps, the Citadel rumbling with every imposing stride. She couldn't make them out, they were too far away and the light surrounding them far too bright. Squinting, she tried to focus, tried to make out some identifying feature or at least determine the source of their light. Tall and lean, definitely bipedal, but nothing more stood out. Utter desolation swept over her when the figure blinked out of existence, crushing her pathetic flower beneath their heel, leaving her alone in the pervading red glow of the Citadel.

Tears spilled from her eyes, the salt stinging fresh wounds added to the insult of being abandoned by her hallucination. Fear skittered along her spine, stalling her heart when the figure reappeared several meters closer than a moment before, shaking the Citadel in their wake. Shepard flailed helplessly, spurred on by agony and terror to move, to flee, to fight, to do something. Anything. A breeze moved through the citadel, cool and calming, smelling of the sea and washing Shepard's pain away.

She stopped fighting, stopped struggling to get up and turned her gaze back to the figure in time to see them disappear once more. The figure returned standing right over Shepard, the Citadel trembling all around them. The light too strong, forced Shepard to turn her head and squeeze her eyes closed, but still the light burned her eyes; reminding her insanely of her times as a child back on Earth, trying to see the sun through its corona. The tremors began to subside, the light dimming behind her closed lids.

Something cold and wet dripped on her hand, and Shepard cracked her eyes opened. Ratted tendrils of gossamer floated in the breeze, dripping water to the floor next to hunter-green, scaled, bare feet. Opening her eyes the rest of the way, Shepard stared in awe as another drop of water fell, hitting the floor before splashing against her face. Trailing her gaze upward, she found the sheer fabric left exposed feminine curves and omber markings, black fading to gray along scaled thighs and hips, stripes swooping around ribs before dipping down over a sleek stomach.

The drell moved, lowering herself to her knees, bringing her face down to Shepard's view. She gasped, meeting the inscrutable depths of black eyes, and turned her face away, knowing beyond doubt she'd just looked into the eyes of the divine.

"Kalahira," Shepard whispered, her voice thin and wispy. Filled with utter awe and shame at her own lack of worthiness, she barely noticed how the fresh ocean air filled her lungs completely and painlessly.

A cool hand brushed over her hair, leaving a trail of saltwater to soak into her skin. "Warrior, you must make a decision." Fused fingers dipped under Shepard's chin, hooking around her jaw and easing her head around to meet Kalahira's gaze. "Will you allow me to carry you across the sea, or will you wait for the embrace of your own God?"

Shepard swallowed, desperately wanting to tear her gaze from the goddess', but finding herself unable to disobey the silent command. "Thane?"

"He waits for you, child, across the sea. Know this, to be with him means leaving all others that you have loved; you will not find them where I will take you." Kalahira studied Shepard, her scrutiny reaching into the depths of Shepard's soul. "Your decision will be final. If you come with me, you will stay, always. If I leave you now, I will never return for you."

Shepard thought about all of the people she'd hoped to see again when her time finally came. She tried desperately to remember the faces of her parents, knowing she'd spent countless nights dreaming of being with them again, but try as she might they were nothing but blurry, nondescript faces in a distant memory. Ashley Williams, a loyal soldier who sacrificed herself, dying a hero, swept up in Shepard's hunt for Saren—surely she would be in Heaven. Toombs, poor, lost Toombs and all the others robbed of life by Cerberus back on Akuze. She would always blame Cerberus for Toombs' death, it didn't matter that he pulled the trigger himself. God would've forgiven him, wouldn't He? And Anderson, sweet Jesus, Anderson. Fresh tears welled up, rolling down her temples and pooling up in the corners of her eyes.

Then, she thought of Thane, the man she'd given herself to utterly and completely, and she knew there was no decision to make; no other option she could possibly choose. "Take me with you."

Arms, far stronger than Shepard imagined, slid under her, lifting her into the air as if she weighed nothing more than a newborn. The Citadel disappeared around them, and she found herself cradled in the arms of the drell goddess of oceans and afterlife, standing on the most pristine beach she'd ever dreamed of seeing. Pure white sand surrounded them as far as the eye could see to the left and the right, giving way to fields of grass waving in a soft breeze behind them. Before them, the bluest water spread out into eternity.

Kalahira stepped out onto the water, and Shepard glanced down, unsurprised to see the goddess' feet didn't sink into the gentle waves but stood upon them. Looking back up, she expected to see the face of divinity, but instead she saw her mother's face. She looked so young and tired, with sunken cheeks and dark circles under her eyes, but she smiled down at Shepard as if her baby girl hung the stars in the sky.

Shepard's lips parted, an old, familiar longing washing over her. "Mama?"

Her mother stroked Shepard's cheek, tears welling up in her baby blue eyes. "She's perfect." Her voice raw and tremulous, she brushed a hand over Shepard's head. "Do you want to hold her?"

"More than anything," a man's voice said from somewhere behind Shepard.

She recognized that gleeful sound as her father, and tried to turn her head to find him but couldn't. Her mother held her out from the warmth of her body, leaving Shepard filled with fear and confusion. She began to sob; the sound of an infant's wailing echoing in her ears. Then her father came into view, captivating her with his deep brown eyes and mahogany whiskers.

Big, warm hands lifted her from her mother's arms and pulled her in close to him. "Hello, beautiful."

Her heart leapt with joy only to plummet into the pit of her stomach when her father disappeared, leaving her staring up at Kalahira. Squirming, she tried to free herself from the goddess' impossibly strong arms. "I don't like this. Put me down, I can walk."

Kalahira met her gaze, a soft smile tugging up her lips. "You cannot. You must let go of your mortal ties. This is the way."


	2. To Travel the Seas

**To Travel the Seas**

" **For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one." - Khalil Gibran**

Shepard's knee hurt. She looked down, finding blood trickling down her leg, little bits of gravel and dirt embedded in the skin. Tears began to fill her eyes, her lip quivering, voice quavering when she screamed, "Mama!"

She blinked, the image of her mama running to her side, red hair swinging back and forth with each step, vanished; leaving Shepard once again looking into the eyes of a goddess. Disoriented, she tried to sit up, only to have Kalahira's hands tighten around her. She turned her head, trying to get a glimpse of something, some landmark other than sky and endless ocean.

Cars sped by, passing her as she looked out the backseat window, first a blue and then two reds. She swung her legs, her feet hitting the back of her mama's seat over and over again making a satisfying thump. She saw a blue car, and then a black one coming the other direction.

"Jane!" Her mama huffed, finding Shepard's gaze in the visor mirror. "Please. Stop. Kicking."

"Sorry, mama." Shepard sighed, crossing her arms over her lap and turning her attention back out the window.

She gasped, sucking in deep breaths of ocean air, salty on her tongue and the back of her throat. The drell goddess looked down at her, eyes dark pools revealing nothing. No sympathy, no judgement, just awareness.

Shepard licked her lips. "No, not that. Please. I don't want to watch my parents die again."

"No one ever does, child." Kalahira lifted her head, turning her gaze back out to the sea.

The absence of her gaze was shocking, deafening even, leaving Shepard feeling as if a sudden weight had been lifted, one she didn't realize was there until it was gone.

"Yet you must."

Her father turned, glancing at her over the back of the driver's seat and smiled. The screech of tires on asphalt set her teeth on edge, making her jump. Fear filled her father's eyes, the look unlike anything she'd ever seen there before. Her mother screamed. Then, the whole car rocked, glass shattering around her as she was thrown first one way and then back the other.

She looked around her, but everything seemed far away and out of focus. She blinked, smearing something over her eyes, painting the whole word red like a ruby. A yellow taxi—she thought it must be yellow, because it looked orange, and yellow plus red equalled orange—was really, really, really close to their car. "Mama?" She turned her head, finding her mama slumped over, as if she were trying to lay down, but something looked funny about the way her head hung. "Mama?"

Mama didn't move, though, or even say anything at all. Shepard looked at her papa, but he was slumped over all funny, too, leaning forward in his seat with his head hanging down, blood dripping from his face. Squeezing her eyes closed tight, she opened her mouth and ….

Shepard screamed. Fingers clutching tight to diaphanous fabric, her nails tearing through the cloth, she turned into the goddess' chest, her whole body wracked with heavy sobs.

* * *

Hours passed; maybe even days. It was impossible to tell for sure with the endless ocean waves and the sunless, perpetual day. She didn't thirst, didn't feel hunger, or even a need to sleep, and yet she dreamed. Overcome with memory after memory, like a countdown of her life's greatest—and worst—hits, Shepard couldn't tell anymore where she ended and Kalahira began.

She relived her time in foster care after the death of her parents, forced to remember the abuse and the decision she made one day after school to never return. The goddess carried her as she fell in love again for the first time, taken with an older boy named Jamie Parker who found her trying to survive on her own on the streets. Kalahira held Shepard as she cried, remembering the way Parker brought her into the Tenth Street Reds, took her virginity, and then disappeared, leaving her a part of something she never wanted with no way out.

She pounded her fists against painted scales, shredding the fabric of the goddess' dress with her nails, and cursed the name of her own God as she fought through battle after battle. She killed batarians on Elysium and watched good men and women die on Akuze. She smelled the stench of thresher maw acid eating its way through armor and human flesh, heard the agonized screams of her unit, and watched them be devoured while she ran for her life.

"When will this end?" Shepard asked in the quiet moments between memories; having just taken down Saren for the second time, Garrus and Wrex at her side.

Kalahira looked down at her, eyes darker than midnight cutting through to Shepard's soul and locking her in place. "It will end when you are ready for it to end."

"What do you mean? I'm ready for it to end."

"You are not."

* * *

The Normandy rocked beneath her feet, the screech of rending metal deafening as the enemy's weapons sliced through the ship, ripping it apart as if it were no more than a child's toy. Explosions sounded around her as terminals blew up, knocking the crew members, unlucky enough to be too close, off their feet as everyone rushed to the escape pods. She ordered Kaidan to the escape pods and moved towards the cockpit, fires roaring all around.

"Mayday, mayday, mayday! This is the SSV Normandy." Joker's voice filled her comms. "We've suffered heavy damage from an unknown enemy. Come on baby, hold together. Hold together!"

Shepard pushed on, shielding her face from the flames as she made her way up the stairs and through the CIC. Ahead, a mass effect field separated the CIC from the cockpit. Dear God, the damage to the Normandy … the ship could never be saved. She walked through the blue, shimmering barrier, keeping the vacuum of space at bay, the sounds of destruction swallowed up in the silence between.

The only sound her own breathing, she crossed the expanse and made her way through another mass effect field, stopping behind Joker's chair. "Come on, Joker! We have to get out of here!"

"No! I won't abandon the Normandy! I can still save her!" Joker yelled over the sounds of warning alarms in the cockpit as she moved to the side of his chair to look at him.

* * *

She was dying, the oxygen ripped right out of her lungs with a breach in her suit.

 _God help me!_

Floating off into space, weightless and free, and she was dying.

 _No! Dear God, please!_

Then, she plummeted, picking up speed as Alchera's gravity pulled her in, sending her flying towards the planet's surface so fast, she burst into flames.

 _Oh, God! Oh, God!_

It only hurt for the eternity of a second, maybe two, and then, there was nothing.

* * *

He was there, the radiance of His holiness washing away all of her pain and suffering as He reached inside of her crushed, broken, and burned body, lifting her soul up from the ashes and the snow. He cradled her in His arms and kissed her forehead. "I am sorry, my lamb, your work is not yet done. Sleep now, my child, dark times lie ahead."

Shepard blinked, Kalahira coming into focus once more. She licked her lips. "What … who was that? I don't remember that happening? Why don't I remember that happening?"

"Why do you ask that for which you already know the answers?" The goddess didn't look at her, instead, Kalahira's gaze stayed fixed on the horizon.


	3. To Long for Distant Shores

**To Long for Distant Shores**

" **Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore." - Andre Gide**

"Wake up, Commander." The familiar, feminine voice rattled Shepard from her sleep as the cold, metal slab beneath her shook with the concussive force of a nearby explosion. "Shepard, do you hear me? Get out of that bed, now—this facility is under attack." Attack. Facility? The _Normandy_ was attacked. The ship went down, and she'd just barely gotten Joker into the escape pod in time, but …. "Shepard, your scars aren't healed, but I need you to get moving. This facility is under attack."

There it was again, 'this facility is under attack'. Where the hell was she, and who was attacking. Better yet, how did she get there? She thought … she thought for sure she'd die. She remembered the breach in her suit as she floated off into space, remembered the vacuum robbing her of air. Fire. Her body caught fire as she lost consciousness, entering the atmosphere and being pulled down to the planet's surface. Jesus Christ. There was no way she survived ….

Mind heavy with the fog of confusion and sedation, her body ached inside and out in about a million places as if she'd been cut into tiny pieces and stitched back together again. Shepard grit her teeth and pushed herself upright.

* * *

Archangel took off his helmet, and Shepard sucked in a surprised breath. Ever since waking up on that slab, thrown right into a battle for survival, she'd felt alone. Learning her saviors were the terrorist group she'd fought against during her hunt for Saren—the same organization which killed Admiral Kahoku, spread crazed rachni throughout the galaxy, and performed twisted experiments on living people—did absolutely nothing to provide her with a sense of safety and companionship.

Seeing Tali on Freedom's Progress brought a small spark of hope, but it was swiftly extinguished once the mission was over and Tali left with the other quarians. Not even Anderson could exactly welcome her back with open arms, though he was glad to see her alive. But Garrus ….

"Shepard." Exhaustion weighted his subvocals. "I thought you were dead."

She threw her arms wide, fighting back the urge to lunge forward and pull him into a hug. Allowing herself a couple of steps closer, she dropped her arms back to her sides. "Garrus! What are you doing here?"

"Just keeping my skills sharp. A little target practice." Painfully clear the last two years hadn't been kind, Garrus seemed worn down and somehow much, much older.

* * *

"The turian is important to you. More so than most." Kalahira's gaze didn't leave the ever-distant horizon, and her voice conveyed no emotion, no judgement of any sort.

"He's my best friend." The visions left Shepard raw, reopening old wounds. And yet, somehow, she was beginning to feel a little desensitized to them. The way one adapted to constant pain or the sight of violence and death. "He nearly died that day. Took a rocket to the face. I—"

Pulled back into the memory, she saw Garrus lying on the floor in a growing pool of his own, cobalt-blue blood. Her heart skipped a beat before stuttering to life again, pounding fiercely against her chest. She needed to get to him, administer Medi-gel and call in a medevac, but there were still mercs swarming the place and a goddamn gunship firing at them.

 _Oh, God. Please don't let him die. Please._

* * *

"You're with Cerberus now," Kaidan said, slowly backing away from her with a furrowed brow. "Garrus, too. I can't believe the reports were right."

The confusion and pain in his voice brought bile rising up in the back of her throat, acidic and burning the back of her tongue.

"Reports?" Garrus, ever the sharp one, picked right up on the admission. "You mean you already knew?"

"Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this one might be the next one to get hit." Kaidan turned his gaze back to Shepard, holding a hand out in her direction. "Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy."

She fought the urge to grab his hand, pull him back to her, and wrap her arms around him again. Didn't he understand she loved him, too? Dying wasn't her choice. Becoming Cerberus' latest human experiment wasn't her choice. But countless lives were at stake, and they were the only ones doing a damned thing about it! What was she supposed to do? Leave those colonists to whatever the hell the collectors planned just because saving them meant cooperating with Cerberus?

"Cerberus and I want the same thing: to save our colonies." She held up a hand as if the gesture might ward away the accusations filling the air between them. "That doesn't mean I answer to them."

"Do you really believe that?" Kaidan moved closer, voice taking on a sharp edge. "Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think? I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this. You've turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."

As deep as his words cut, it was the look of utter contempt in Kaidan's eyes which left her devastated, gutted her completely. His was the one face she'd wanted to see more than any other since coming back from the dead. She'd asked Anderson about him, but Anderson only told her that Kaidan had been promoted to Commander and was on assignment. Maybe if Anderson had given her the chance to talk to Kaidan before Horizon … pass on a message at least ….

* * *

"Your mission against the collectors saved your people from extinction. You proved your choice to work with Cerberus to be vital for humanity and the war against the machines seeking to destroy all sentient life." Kalahira looked down, but Shepard couldn't meet her gaze. "His judgement against you that day was in error, and it caused you significant grief."

"It crushed me." Voice wavering, Shepard lifted a hand to wipe phantom tears from her eyes. "Broke my heart completely."

Turning her gaze back to the sea, Kalahira said, "Yet you allowed him to return to battle by your side in the war."

"Kaidan's a good soldier." Shepard took a deep breath, a pointless, reflexive action to fill her useless lungs with air. "I couldn't afford to turn away anyone willing and able to fight. No matter how much they hurt me."

"He wished to reconcile with you and take you as his lover once more."

"Yeah … but I couldn't. Whatever we shared died on Horizon." Shepard swallowed and closed her eyes, but it did nothing to hide the goddess, the sky, or the endless ocean. "Even if it hadn't, though, it was far too soon for me to become involved with anyone else. Thane's death was still too fresh."

 _When will this end? When will we get to wherever it is she's taking me?_

"When you are ready to reach the distant shores," Kalahira said, her voice _almost_ conveying compassion.

* * *

A green-scaled drell dropped from the vent shaft in the ceiling. Moving with impossible grace, he killed Nassana and her guards in mere seconds. Their feeble attempts to fight him off were obviously little more than a nuisance to be swatted away like a fly buzzing around his head. Gentle, as if laying a swaddled infant down to rest in a crib, he settled Nassana against her workstation and crossed her arms over her chest. Bowing his head, he clasped his hands in prayer.

The near constant storm of rage and gunfire in Shepard's head quieted. Since Horizon … since Kaidan … war and little else kept her going. Kaidan rejected her. Tali remained on Haestrom for the time being, doing her own thing with her people. Liara seemed lost to her obsession to find the Shadow Broker, the mission turning her into someone Shepard barely recognized. She only hoped the asari found peace once it was all done. In the meantime, even Garrus stopped talking to her—locking himself away in the Main Battery to brood over his own loses under the guise of 'calibrations'. Her heart ached and her mind fought to keep from spiraling into darkness.

But something about standing there, watching the assassin take the time to pray over a woman he'd just killed … it brought everything into sharp focus.

"I was hoping to talk to you," she said, the lingering silence starting to feel a little unnerving.

"I apologize, but prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken." His voice sounded like the whisper of silk sliding over sandpaper.

Nassana Dantius was most certainly wicked; Shepard wouldn't argue otherwise. The whole thing with Nassana's slaver sister was bad enough, but after what Shepard saw on her way into Dantius Towers, she had no doubt the asari deserved the assassin's swift actions.

"Do you really think she deserves it?" she asked.

As if her question left him confused, his brow ridges dipped. He gave her a light shake of his head as he looked up. "Not for her. For me."

* * *

Drawn to the tranquility of Life Support and Thane, she stepped off the elevator and headed for his door. She knocked quietly before activating the door's release, stepping inside when the doors swished open. He sat with his back to her, always in the same spot. Elbows resting on the table, hands clasped in front of his face, he said nothing, didn't even turn to look at who had entered. It didn't matter, she didn't doubt he knew exactly who she was and tracked her every movement regardless.

"Do you need something?" he finally asked as she grew nearer, still not bothering to look her way.

He never failed to open up to her once they started talking, yet he always seemed guarded when she first approached. Sometimes, she thought he might feel like he needed to protect himself from her, hold tight to his battle sleep to prepare for whatever wicked thing she might ask him to do. She supposed it made sense. He'd spent many years on his own, barely talking to anyone outside of what was necessary to complete a contract.

He'd agreed to help her take down the collectors, despite his intentions to … retire after killing Nasanna. Maybe he expected Shepard to ask him to dust off all of his skills and head out alone again. He'd be the weapon her arm wielded, killing from the shadows instead of facing people in the light of combat at her side if she wanted. Admittedly, it might give them a strategic advantage, but it wasn't really her style. She knew it'd cost him something, hurt him and damage the friendship they were building if she ever did.

 _He's more than a friend …._

"Have a few minutes to talk?"

"If you wish." Relaxing, he glanced back over his shoulder, sat a little straighter, and let his hands rest on the table.

* * *

Her heart stopped beating when her gaze found David Archer, stripped down and wired into the machine. Thick cables and tubes stabbed through his body and shoved down his throat, leaving him without a voice of his own save for the base's comm systems. Metal digging into his skin pried his eyes open, forcing them to stay that way, as tears streamed down his face.

She'd thought his constant screams of 'please, make it stop' issued through the facility's speakers as she fought her way to his location hinted at what she'd find when she finally reached him, but nothing she'd ever dealt with prepared her for what was in front of her. Not even the other crap she'd seen from Cerberus before Alchera.

* * *

Thane walked across the room, turning his back to her. "I had a family once. I still have a son. His name is Kolyat. I haven't seen him for a very long time."

Head spinning with the unexpected confession, she followed him over to stand in front of his gun display. "Did something happen to them?"

"I abandoned them." The words came from him so simply, so matter of fact. He turned his attention to his weapons as he spoke. "Oh, not all at once. Nothing dramatic. No sneaking out in the middle of the night." He looked at her again, the weight of regret filling his eyes. "No final argument or slammed door. I just … did my job. I hunted and killed across the galaxy. 'Away on business,' my wife would tell people. I was always away on business."


End file.
